Only In My Mind
by Sagadog
Summary: Mac leaves to marry Mic, or does she?


TITLE: Only in my mind.  
AUTHOR: Sagadog  
EMAIL: sagadog@hotmail.com  
CLASSIFICATION: S, A, R (Harm and Mac)  
RATING: PG-13.  
SUMMARY: Mac is leaving for Australia to marry Mic.   
Will Harm get a chance to stop her before it's too   
late?  
SPOILERS: None  
DISCLAIMER: None of the characters are mine, nor   
will they ever be, please don't sue, please :-).  
  
  
1700 ZULU  
HARMON RABB JR.' FLAT  
  
Harm was looking out of the window. This was going   
to be the worst day in his entire life. It wasn't   
the first time she had left. All the other times he   
had hoped and believed she would return to him   
eventually. Maybe not to *him*, but at least to JAG   
and their friendship. This time was different, this   
time she was leaving for good. She was going to   
Australia to marry Mic. He hadn't understood fully   
what it would mean when she had told him the other   
day, in fact, he wasn't sure he could comprehend it   
now.   
  
He took a deep breath, he found it difficult to   
breathe. It *had* been ever since she told him.   
Just by saying those few words she had taken an   
invisible knife, drilled it deep into his heart and   
twisted it around, she had taken away his will to   
live, but there was nothing he could do about it.   
Sure, he could tell her how he felt, that he wanted   
her to stay with him for eternity, but she had made   
it pretty clear that she was not buying any   
sentimental crap about how he was going to lose his   
best friend. She had told him that if he couldn't   
say anything nice she didn't want to listen to him.   
How could anyone say anything nice about Bugme? How   
could she expect him to just accept that she was   
walking out of his life as if she was walking out   
of Beltway Burgers? Besides, he was never eloquent   
when it came to emotions, just look at what   
happened in Australia.  
  
The day she told him she was leaving to marry Mic   
he had been the one to cry. Not at JAG, he could   
never do that. After all, he had always tried to   
keep a professional distance to everything that   
went on at the office. Bud had been all over him   
when he came out from Mac's office. He had probably   
had a look of Doomsday on his face. It had been   
Doomsday. It wasn't until he came home the tears   
had started falling and not ceased until a few   
hours before work next day. He had called in sick   
that day unable to face the others and everything   
that would remind him of her. He couldn't face her   
either. He hadn't showed up at work since. He just   
couldn't return to JAG where everything would   
remind him of her.   
  
Bud had stopped by last night to talk to him, but   
he had pretended he wasn't at home. Bud hadn't   
given in and had borrowed a key from his landlord,   
let himself in and found him in one big mess. Bud   
hadn't said anything, had just been there for him   
and told him not to worry about work till he had   
gathered all the pieces that held the figure of   
Harmon Rabb together again. He had even suggested   
that Harm could go up and see his grandmother. As   
if that was going to help, he was losing not only   
his best friend, but the love of his life. He had   
just been too much of a coward to tell her, and now   
it was too late to change her mind about marrying   
Bugme, but he could at least tell her that he was   
still there for her if she needed a friend.  
  
It was time to get going, they would be leaving for   
the airport soon, and he wanted to take her there,   
wanted to tell her what a big mistake this all was.   
He just didn't know if he could do it. He would   
have to if he didn't want to spend the rest of his   
life in this black hole he called his world. He   
really had to do something. He would have to get   
going if he wanted a chance to take her.   
  
1730 ZULU  
SARAH MACKENZIE'S APARTMENT  
  
Harm pulled up and got out of the car. It was as if   
it wasn't him who was there, but merely a shadow of   
him. As if someone was here moving his feet because   
suddenly he found himself in her apartment not   
knowing how he had got there.   
  
"Hi Harm. What are you doing here?" Mac was   
surprised to see him outside her door; he had told   
her he was ill, but she hadn't believed him.   
Besides, he was supposed to meet them at the   
airport.   
  
"Uhm, I was just wondering.. Can I take you to the   
airport? I really need to talk to you." The hurt   
look in his eyes was almost too much for her.   
  
"Sure, Squid, I'll just tell Mic that you're taking   
me." She took his hand and gave it a light squeeze.   
It brought tears to his eyes but he fought them   
back hoping that she hadn't noticed.  
  
"H'lo, mate." The sound of Mic's cheerful voice   
penetrated the wall he had build up around himself   
to shut out every single emotion he had. Tears were   
close to falling again, but he fought them back, he   
didn't want to give Bugme that satisfaction.   
  
"What can I do for you, mate?" He put an arm around   
Mac.  
  
"Uhm, I just, ehhh, can I take Mac to the airport?   
I ehhh.. Just.. want a last chance to ummm to spend   
some time with her." Very eloquent there! He was   
ready to turn around and leave and just forget the   
whole thing.   
  
"Sure, mate. I guess I can spare her that little   
while now that she'll be mine for the rest of our   
lives." Mac saw the pain in Harm's eyes as he heard   
Mic's words. Was there something he hadn't told   
her? Why was he taking this so hard? It wasn't as   
if they were never going to talk again, he had   
promised to come down for the wedding in a few   
months.   
  
Harm tried to smile as Mac found her coat. Then   
they were on their way  
  
^^^^^^  
  
Neither of them said anything on the way to the   
airport, soon they were at there and had parked the   
car.  
  
"Sarah, I" His voice failed him. Great, now that   
I've finally got the courage to tell her, then my   
voice abandon me.  
  
"Yes??"   
  
"Sarah, I" he took a deep breath. " I hope that you   
know what you're doing here. All I want is for you   
to be happy, and to be honest, I don't think that's   
what Mic's making you. He's not the right kind of   
guy." Tears were in his eyes again. Stop it   
Commander, he told himself, only wimps cry.   
  
"Harm, that is something *I* have to decide, and I   
happen to think that Mic is just right for me." Or   
at least, that's what I have to settle for when you   
can't get your six in gear and do something. I've   
wanted *you* to rescue me so many times, but now   
it's too late. I've quit my job, moved out of my   
flat and Jingo's already in quarantine. All ties to   
my old life have been severed. She couldn't tell   
him what was on her mind. She wanted to so much,   
but she just couldn't.  
  
"Ok, if you think so. I just want you to be happy."   
Before he knew of it he had pulled her into his   
arms and leaned his head on her shoulder as the   
tears came running. Her arms went around him to   
comfort him the best she could. She was not going   
to give into him, then he could have said something   
earlier on. But there was no doubt left in her mind   
that he loved her. He would have to tell her,   
though, or it would be no good. She was not going   
to beg him.   
  
"I'm sorry." He pulled back and wiped his eyes. The   
pain that shone from him cut through her bones and   
she wanted nothing more than to tell him everything   
was going to be alright, but she couldn't. Couldn't   
give into him like that. She was tired of being the   
one who always came running to him, if he wanted   
her to stay he would have to ask her.  
  
Harm looked at his best friend. It was time to move   
on. He didn't want to, but there was nothing he   
could do, she had made her decision. He leaned   
forward and planted a kiss on her cheek before he   
got out of the car.   
  
He took her hand as they walked towards Check-in.   
Mac just let him, she didn't want to let go of him   
either. She let her fingers intertwine his and gave   
his hand a squeeze.  
  
  
1830 ZULU  
THE AIRPORT  
Mic hadn't arrived yet, so they had a few more   
moments alone, but neither said anything. They both   
had so much to say to one another, but they   
couldn't find the words.   
  
"This is ridiculous. We're going to see each other   
again in a few months, and we can call or write   
emails until then." Mac tried to pull herself   
together and ignore the pain she felt rush through   
her when she thought how long it would be.  
  
"Mac.. there's so much I want to tell you, but I   
just can't." He was trying the best he could.   
Damnit. Here he was, just about to lose her, and   
still, he couldn't let go. He knew he was ready to   
let go and love her fully, the way she deserved,   
but his words failed him. Great, Australia all over   
again! He thought as he gave her a quick hug.   
  
At the same Mic arrived. Just the sight of him was   
enough to bring Harm to the boil, but he kept up   
the poker face he was wearing. For her. He didn't   
want to start a fight. Bugme wasn't worth it, she   
was, but she would never forgive him for starting   
an argument just before she was to leave.  
  
"Sarah, luv, I'll just go check us in. I'll be   
right back. Why don't you say goodbye to the   
Commander in the meantime?" He kissed her cheek and   
went to check in.  
  
"I guess this is it, then." Mac looked up at her   
best friend as she took a deep breath to calm   
herself. 'It's only for a short while' had become   
her mantra within the last few hours.   
  
"I suppose it is." Harm took both her hands in his   
rubbing them gently.   
  
"Hey Sailor, keep in touch, ok?"  
  
"Sure Ninja girl."  
  
Both stood looking at each other not wanting to let   
go.  
  
"Sarah. Come on, luv. It's time to go. Be a big   
girl and kiss the Commander goodbye, the plane   
won't wait for us." Mic's voice was happy and   
cheerful, he was finally going to get her away from   
Harm.   
  
"You go ahead honey, I'll be right there." Mac   
snapped at him annoyed with his interruption.  
  
Mic found it wiser to just do as she said and leave   
her some privacy. He'd actually prefer not to know   
how Mac said goodbye to that annoying man. He   
headed for the departure area.  
  
"Well, Harm, I have to get going. I'll call you as   
soon as I get there, ok?" She stepped closer into   
him. He let go of her and moved his hands up to cup   
her face.  
  
"I'll miss you Sarah." Tears were in his eyes as he   
leaned closer to her and kissed her on the lips.   
She immediately let go of his hands and wrapped her   
arms around him as she deepened the kiss   
passionately.   
  
Harm felt her give into the kiss, felt her tongue   
wrestling with his, and let out a groan as he let   
go of all the emotions he had tried to hold back.   
The touch of her, the smell of her, it was driving   
him crazy. His hands found their way to her hair to   
draw her even closer.  
  
Mac felt her knees go weak and had to use Harm for   
support. He felt her leaning on to him and wrapped   
his arms tightly around her.  
  
"The flight to Sydney is now open for boarding."   
The voice on the loudspeaker pierced their ears.   
They had to let go now. Mac was still trembling   
from the kiss. This time it was her he had kissed,   
not Diane. Why couldn't he have done that before?   
They both stood with their eyes closed as they   
enjoyed a last embrace.  
  
"Goodbye, Sarah. I'll miss you." Harm held the   
woman he loved so much close for a last time.  
  
"I'll miss you too, Sailor, but we'll see each   
other again soon." Her voice sounded lighter than   
she felt. It was as if darkness started to surround   
her.   
  
Harm felt his heart beginning to crack, yet still   
holding itself together. He took a last look at her   
misty eyes.   
  
Mac looked at him, hoping that the pain in his eyes   
had vanished, it hurt her to see it knowing that   
she had caused it, but it was still there. He   
looked as if he was burning up with agony inside.  
  
"I'm sorry Harm." She said and held her hand up to   
his face for a last time. Then she leaned forward   
to plant a light kiss on his lips.  
  
She turned around and started walking towards the   
gate. It felt as if her legs were made out of   
concrete. They were so difficult to move. She   
didn't turn back knowing that if she did she could   
never leave him.   
  
Harm watched her walk away, walk out of his life   
not looking back. He felt his heart beginning to   
break apart. It had become silent around him,he   
didn't even notice the light. All he could see was   
Mac walking away, walking away with his life.  
"Goodbye Sarah, I love you," he whispered as she   
pushed the door to the gate open and he felt the   
last of his heart and life fall apart. The crashing   
sound when it hit the bottom was shattering. He   
turned around and walked towards his car like a   
zombie.  
  
When she reached the door to the gate she turned   
around to look at him for a last time. He had   
turned around to walk away. To walk out of her   
life. She knew that if she got on to that plane she   
would not only be flying to Australia, she would   
also be flying away from everything she loved, her   
job, her friends, her flat, her sailor.  
  
Hm, that was why she had agreed to move to   
Australia with Mic in the first place. She was   
tired of waiting around for Harm. Each day that   
passed without him saying anything was like a   
needle in her heart, and she knew she couldn't take   
it much longer. That was the reason for leaving.   
She had to if she wanted to remain sane. Tears   
filled her eyes.  
  
"Goodbye Harm, I love you."  
  
The door was heavy and she had to use all her   
strength to push it open. Mic was waiting for her   
on the other side.  
  
"What took you so long? Couldn't let go?" Mic   
sounded annoyed.  
  
"Hey, that was my best friend I had to say goodbye   
to. It was harder than you think!" She was angry   
and hurt. How dared he say such a thing?  
  
The stewardess turned to see who was yelling. She   
could see by the look on the woman's face that she   
wasn't happy about the trip she was going on.   
  
A thousand thoughts went through Mac's head at   
once. What was she doing? Was this going to make   
her happy? Leaving everything behind?  
  
Her feet moved automatically towards the plane. Mic   
had their tickets. Before she knew of it they were   
in the plane looking for their seats. Who was she   
kidding? She couldn't do this. Harm loved her. He   
hadn't said it, but she knew it. And she loved him,   
not Mic. What was she doing onboard a plane to   
Australia when her life was here? When the man she   
loved was here?  
  
"Mic, wait a minute." She took a deep breath, she   
knew what she had to do. It was the right thing to   
do, but that didn't make it any easier. She knew it   
would break his heart. "I'm sorry. But I can't do   
this. I can't go to Australia with you."  
  
"What?" There was surprise in Mic's voice, but when   
he saw the tears in her eyes he went on."We can   
live here if you want to, you know that."  
  
"Yes I know. But I don't want to. I'm sorry Mic,   
but I can't marry you. It's not you I love." She   
took off the ring as she spoke. Mic stood there   
paralysed as she gave him back the ring, turned   
around and walked out of the plane.  
  
1900 ZULU  
ON THE ROAD FROM THE AIRPORT.  
  
Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she sat in   
the cab. The driver didn't say anything, just drove   
as fast as he could. The young woman was obviously   
in great distress and had to be where ever it was   
she was going as fast as possible.  
  
What was she doing? She had just left Mic on the   
plane to go hunting for Harm. Was she out of her   
mind? Desperate? Definitely desperate, desperate to   
get to him and tell him how much she loved him, and   
how she wanted to spend the rest of her life with   
him, whether he wanted her to or not.   
  
It felt like ages before they reached Harm's place.   
But finally they were there. The cab pulled up   
outside his building. She got out and paid the   
driver. There was no light on in his flat, but his   
car was there, so he had to be home.  
  
She still had the key, he had asked her to keep it   
as a memory of him. She had taken it out of her   
pocket just after she had paid. As usual there was   
an out of order sign on the lift. Never had there   
been so many stairs up.  
  
She tried knocking but there was no reply. He had   
to be inside, though. She let herself in.   
  
Harm was standing by the window. He didn't seem to   
have heard her enter. She took of her coat and hung   
it up behind the door before she moved towards him.  
  
"Oh Sarah, why did you have to leave? Why couldn't   
you stay here with me? I don't want to let you go.   
Please, come back to me." Harm was talking to   
himself, and obviously hadn't noticed her come in.   
  
"Harm! *No* *don't*!" He was holding a bottle of   
vodka in his hands looking fervently at it as he   
unscrewed the cap.  
  
"You, of all people should know that getting drunk   
won't solve the problems." Harm was in his own   
world, he heard her voice in his head. It was that   
voice he replied to, not her. "Yes Mac, I know. But   
now you're not here to help me, to hold me, and   
there's nothing left for me to live for. I know   
that this is what you'd say." He said without   
moving an inch.  
  
To Mac's surprise he still didn't seem to notice   
her. She went over and grabbed the bottle out of   
his hands. There was no reaction. "Harm, it's me   
Mac." She put the bottle on the table and went over   
to him. Still, no reaction; it scared her.  
  
"No, it isn't. It's just a dream, you're on your   
way to Sydney with that annoying, no-good Bugme."   
Tears were in his eyes by now.  
  
"I know, Mac. It was something that you had to do.   
You had to go, you have gone left me here on my   
own. Oh, it hurts so much. Why can't you be here   
with me? I know I'll hear you all the time, see you   
everywhere and smell you for the rest of my life,   
but it won't be you, you won't be here." His   
emotions got the better of him, his legs gave away   
under him and he fell to the floor. He didn't care,   
didn't want to get up and face the loneliness that   
was now his life.   
  
"Harm!" Mac saw him falling and ran the last few   
feet to get to him. He didn't get up so she threw   
herself down beside him.  
  
"Harm, Harm, talk to me." She was scared out of her   
living daylights.  
  
He sat up and seemed to see her, but still didn't   
react. She leaned up against the couch and tugged   
at his sleeve. He moved closer, she pulled him   
close he leaned into her and gave away to his   
tears. But he still didn't seem to notice that she   
was there in person and not just in his head.  
  
^^^^^^  
  
He didn't know how long he had been sitting on the   
floor leaning up against her, but the tears had   
stopped long ago, and now his head ached.   
Correction, Commander, he thought, you don't know   
how long you have been sitting up against her in   
your head. She's not here, she's in Australia with   
Bugme.   
  
"Oh Sarah, why did you have to go? Why did you have   
to leave me? Don't you know how much I love you?   
How much I need you?" Unconsciously, he put his   
arms around her. It felt as if she was there. Was   
she? She couldn't be, could she?  
  
She woke up when she felt his arms wrapping around   
her. Her inner clock told her that she had been   
asleep for almost three hours. Two hours fifty-four   
minutes and thirty-three seconds to be exact. He   
had eventually stopped crying and had fallen   
asleep. She lifted her hand to stroke his face, he   
caught it and kissed it.  
  
She looked down and into his eyes. He was there, he   
was back with her.  
  
"Mac, is that you?" He couldn't believe his own   
eyes. She nodded, too emotionally upset to trust   
her voice.  
  
"But, but, you're supposed to be on your way to   
Sydney with Bugme."  
  
"I couldn't do it. I couldn't go with him and I   
can't marry him. You were right, he wouldn't make   
me happy."  
  
"Are you sure?" He didn't believe his ears either.  
  
"Yes, Harm, I am." She looked at him and caressed   
his face as she watched a smile appear on his face.   
He caught her hand and kissed it again.   
  
He put all his weight on his elbows and reached up   
to kiss her lips.  
  
Mac closed her eyes as she kissed him. This was   
where she belonged, not in Australia. She felt his   
tongue exploring around her mouth and let out a   
joyful sigh. Harm heard her and couldn't help   
laughing. He stopped kissing her and pulled her   
tight as he kept laughing. He was too happy to   
stop. They rolled around on the floor holding each   
other tight.  
  
"I love you, Sarah." He said as he lay on top of   
her cupping her face in his hands.  
  
"I love you too, Harm." She pulled his face down to   
kiss him again. His hands started playing with her   
hair.   
  
The kiss grew more passionate. Mac let her hands   
draw circles on his back before she pulled his t-  
shirt up and let her hands slide under it. Harm   
rolled most of his weight over on his side as he   
pulled at her shirt to get his hand under it. She   
stopped him and rolled away from under him. She   
smiled as she slowly unbuttoned the shirt while   
Harm lay on his back looking hungrily at her. She   
took it off and crawled over to him.   
  
"Harm, I love you."  
  
"I love you too, Sarah."   
  
It wasn't until much later they left the living   
room to go and take a shower.  
  
1600 ZULU  
HARM'S FLAT.  
  
Mac woke with a happy feeling. At first she didn't   
remember where she was, but then she felt Harm's   
arm around her and remembered everything. What a   
night. The shower had just been a warming up. Thank   
God it was Sunday and they didn't have to get up   
and go to work. Then she remembered; She had no   
work to go to, no flat either for that matter. She   
felt Harm stir beside her and turned around to look   
at him. He was so handsome, her Flyboy. She smiled,   
got an arm free and touched his face lightly,   
careful not to wake him up. But he wasn't sleeping.   
He was lying there, enjoying having her so near.  
  
"Morning Sarah." He said, opened his eyes and threw   
her a flyboy-grin.   
  
"Good morning, Sailor." She leaned forward and   
kissed him lightly. Morning breath was a killer.   
  
"Did you sleep well?" He pulled her closer and   
kissed the gap in her neck.  
  
"The best sleep I've ever got."   
  
"Great" he said planting kisses all over her neck.   
His hands were all over her.  
  
"You are just insatiable, aren't you?  
  
All the answer she got was his mouth on her breast.  
  
It wasn't until much later they got out of bed.  
  
  
  
THE END   
  
  



End file.
